Read English Novel
Chapter 8
HARDY
To: Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: Inquiring
Professor,
Just checking to see if you’ve heard anything from Syrup yet. I know it’s only been a day since you reached out to her about this, but I’m eager to see if my ideas for the bachelor party will match up with her bachelorette ideas. Because I have some great ones. Here is my list already:
Game: Beer Pong Tournament
Drinks: Craft beers and Moscow mules
Food: All kinds of dips
Music: The best of Ed Sheeran
Killer party, right?
Let me know what you think.
Henrietta
To: Hardy Hopper
From: Everly Plum
Subject: Re: Inquiring
Henrietta,
Are you trying to throw a frat party? Is that what’s happening? And what kind of dips are we talking about here? Fancy dips? Canned dips? Crockpot dips? Dessert dips?
Usually when we throw a joint bachelor/bachelorette party, it’s at a restaurant where we have tables to mingle at, an open bar, and a buffet. Were you thinking more along the lines of that? (I hope so.)
And no, I have not heard from her yet, but Polly was telling me that she’s in the midst of moving so I’m sure she’s busy packing and unpacking. I’ll let you know when Syrup makes contact.
The Prof
To: Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: All The Dips
Professor Plum,
I’m getting the distinct feeling that you’re judging me and my idea. Would I be right with that assessment?
I will have you know that Ken and Polly might look like they’re fancy, and their families might have money, but when it comes to a party, their number one idea of having a good time is a beer pong tournament and dips…and the sweet, melodic tones of Ed Sheeran. Just wait, I bet Syrup says the same thing.
Also, no offense, but your party sounds boring, like it’s for adults or something…
Henrietta
To: Hardy Hopper
From: Everly Plum
Subject: RE: All The Dips
Henrietta,
Boring? You think my party would be boring? Ohhhh no. I throw one heck of a party. There’s no way it would be boring. Your guests would be talking about the signature drink for years to come. The food would be so good, they’d go back for thirds. And the conversation would be so enthralling that it would take multiple clinks of a glass to quiet everyone down.
The speeches would marvel even the dullest person.
And at the end of the night, when everyone was going home, they’d praise the good time they had celebrating with friends.
I’ve been to all the parties I’ve thrown, and as an attendee, I give them a resounding hip, hip hooray.
The Prof
To: Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: RE: All The Dips
Professor,
You sure know how to paint a picture, but I guarantee Syrup will be in agreement. Your parties might have rave reviews, but you’ve never been to one of ours. It will blow your mind.
Just wait and see.
You might turn your nose up at the idea of a beer pong tournament, but I think after this party, you’re going to change your mind.
And just so you know, I’m going to be gone for the next two days, headed out to the farm, but I’ll be checking my email if you need anything. Also…don’t be afraid to text if you need to. I won’t bite.
Henrietta
To: Hardy Hopper
From: Everly Plum
Subject: Text?
Henrietta,
Texting? Do you really think we’re at the level of texting? I don’t know about that. I prefer the low pressure of an email. Gives me some time to think about a response rather than a quick quip in a text.
And going to the farm? What does that entail exactly? Inquiring minds want to know.
Are you going to poke anyone with a pitchfork again?
Throw some hay bales around? Wait…do you have hay bales on your farm?
Either way, please at least tell me you’re going to wear overalls with your fisherman hat. Even if you don’t, please don’t ruin the image I have of that outfit on you in my head. Thanks.
The Prof
To: Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: RE: Text?Property belongs to Nôvel(D)r/ama.Org.
Professor,
You know, you might be right. I don’t think I’m ready for text messages either, do you know why? Because you’re far too witty, I wouldn’t be quick enough on the draw. So, I agree. We should strictly stay with emails unless an absolute emergency occurs.
And of course we have hay bales on the farm, what do you think we feed the almonds? See that response? I wouldn’t have been able to come up with something so witty if this conversation was in text message form.
No to the pitchfork. I’ve been forbidden from using one now, so thank you for asking, not a sore subject at all.
Farm attire would consist of jeans and a T-shirt, sorry to disappoint. I’ve never worn overalls in my life.
And what do I do on the farm? That’s classified information—but if my brother asks, tell him I’m working tirelessly—lifting soil, fixing irrigation, and counting almonds. I’m definitely not just hanging out with the almond trees and staring up at the expansive sky.
Nope. Work, work, work.
Henrietta
To: Hardy Hopper
From: Everly Plum
Subject: RE: Text?
Henrietta,
If you’re not feeding your almonds hay, then what the hell are you doing over there?
Also, why do you have pitchforks if you don’t have hay?
And no overalls?
Are you really a farmer? Or are you posing as one while you actually do something else like…making origami swans in the back of the barn.
And what are you doing with the paper swans? Do you sell them? And at what price?
I have far too many questions. This is where text messaging might have come in handy.
The Prof
To: Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: Re: Text?
Professor,
Like I said, all classified.
What I can tell you is that it’s a no to the swans…though not to the origami. But you didn’t hear that from me. Like I said, I’m putting in the sweat equity when I come up to the farm…
Oh, I have to go. My lemonade just arrived, and I have a tan to perfect before I return to the city. *Pops on sunglasses and stretches out on the lounger*
Let me know when Maple gets in contact.
Inquiring minds want to know.
Henrietta