Diary of Fragile Heart (Spin of Loving You Too Long)

“Well, you could say yes. You could also say no. I’m not sure how to put it. It’s about Gilbert.”

Gilbert? Flavia still furrowed her brow at Abigail. “Why with Gilbert?”

“He’s here.”

This time Flavia was stunned. “Gilbert? Here? With Haisley?”

“Ugh… Why bring up Haisley. Haisley is definitely in England with Nathan.”

“And then?”

“Gilbert is here. Turns out, he’s a photographer now,” Abigail answered with an annoyed sigh.

“Really?” Flavia smiled, seeing her friend’s annoyed expression.

Gilbert was the brother-in-law of their friend, Haisley. He was the guy who had once confessed to liking Flavia. It wasn’t a love triangle, but Abigail considered it as such. Meanwhile, Flavia saw it as a strange form of love. Abigail, despite not wanting to admit it, clearly liked Gilbert. While Gilbert claimed to like Flavia, Flavia didn’t reciprocate his feelings because, even though she didn’t have another man she liked, she couldn’t accept Gilbert due to their differences in beliefs. At the same time, Flavia was already quite fond of Gladwin, although she didn’t know his feelings toward her.

“So, are you two working together now?” Flavia asked again. Abigail nodded weakly.

“I didn’t know that my agency collaborated with Gilbert. When I was offered to be a model for Chayton Fashion, I thought it was okay. Considering their products are highly popular in Asia, and now they’re starting to make waves in the American market. Who would refuse a good product and fantastic advertising pay?”

“At first, I thought this wasn’t the same Chayton we knew. But it turns out I was wrong because this is the same Chayton I’m familiar with.”

“So, Gilbert is now involved in the fashion world, huh?” Flavia tried to understand Abigail’s sometimes overly long and convoluted statements. Her friend nodded. “But you said earlier that he’s a photographer?”

“Yeah, that too. So, it turns out I also just found out that G likes to get directly involved in photo shoots. Initially, I thought ‘directly involved’ meant supervising. But it turns out I was wrong. According to him, ‘directly involved’ means he becomes the photographer.” Abigail snorted in annoyance. But Flavia smiled broadly. “Are you teasing me?” she asked with a sarcastic tone. Flavia continued to smile widely.

“I just want to return the ammunition to you, Abby,” Flavia replied casually.

“Ammunition?” Abigail looked back at her with a furrowed brow.

“Chase him, defend him. Because love isn’t sitting still and watching. It’s moving and fighting. If he’s passive, you become active. If he’s not flirty, you become flirty.” Flavia looked at her friend, and Abigail stared back at her with her mouth open. Flavia truly outsmarted her.

FLASHBACK

A few years ago.

Haisley, Abigail, and Flavia were sitting in the cafeteria enjoying their lunch.

“So, you got a scholarship?” Abigail looked at Flavia. Flavia nodded. She had received a scholarship acceptance notification from one of the renowned universities in California and had her parents’ permission to attend school there. “What about you, H? Are you going to England?” Abigail looked at Haisley, who turned to her with a sad expression.

“Not sure,” he answered sadly.

“What do you mean? Didn’t you already join the program? Yesterday you said you applied for a scholarship there.”

“Yes, everything is done. Just waiting for the results. But now I’m having doubts. What if I go there, what about my future in pediatrics? What if Nathan doesn’t like my presence?”

“Oh God. You guys are the same.” Abigail stared sharply at her friend, who had become her cousin. Flavia, feeling her name was mentioned, raised her head from her lunch.

“Why bring up my name?” she asked displeased.

“Yes, you and H are absolutely no different. Listen to me. Let me predict your love fate.” Abigail looked at Haisley and Flavia alternately. “Let me ask you. Throughout your journey to get the scholarship, how was it? It required effort, right?” Flavia and Haisley nodded. “You studied and studied and studied. Joined this course. Took private lessons. Blah, blah, blah. Then you got the results of your efforts, right?” Once again, Flavia and Haisley nodded. “Now…” Abigail slammed the table, surprising Haisley and Flavia. Even their bowls and glasses vibrated quite strongly. “You already know the basic principle, that to get something, you need to make an effort,” she said passionately. “You like Nathan,” her finger pointed at Haisley. “You’re into Uncle Gladwin.” The finger then shifted to Flavia. “So, you both fight to get them in various ways.

“But don’t try to be illogical. Cunning is allowed, but don’t be greedy. Chase him, defend him. Because love isn’t sitting still and watching. It’s moving and fighting. If he’s passive, you become active. If he’s not flirty, you become flirty. Well, a little bit of teasing is okay. Just consider it a taste test before buying.” Abigail replied and then went back to sipping her milkshake. It seemed like her throat was drying up from talking too much.

Flashback Off

Abigail looked at Flavia and then muttered softly. “Damn!” she whispered. How could her best friend and cousin really turn the tables on her?

Even Abigail herself forgot that she had once said that to her friend. But upon reconsideration, her words had sweet results for their friend, Haisley. Because the girl successfully won her crush. Now, it was only Abigail and Flavia who needed to fight with Abigail’s ‘ammunition.’

*****

Dear Diary,

I found myself conversing again with my dear friend, reminiscing about an old memory that we had almost forgotten. About Love, Struggle, and Prayer. It shook me a bit at first, making me reconsider. Can I? Should I?

Can I fight, disregard all the negative thoughts in my mind? But I am afraid alone. What if the struggle doesn’t end beautifully? Not for me, but for him?

Should I fight? Considering that the future at stake is not just mine. But also his?

Dear Diary,

I waver. He has a bright future. Even though I don’t know to whom his heart belongs, I know that there are many women who want to anchor their hearts to him. And honestly, I am one of them.

But if I recall the word ‘deserving’. Then I am not one of them. I am not ‘deserving’ for him. Because I have too many things to consider as well. Not for my own good, but for his.

I don’t want to be blind because of love. Closing my eyes and refusing to see the pain of people around me because of my future selfishness. And I also don’t want to deafen myself from the bad talk of others towards us in the future. It’s okay if those malicious stares and harsh words are directed at me. But if it’s all aimed at him, I can’t handle it. Because my love is there to protect him.

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to be an ungrateful person. It’s just that often I hope if I am not me now. That Flavia was not born as Flavia.

I wish I could be someone else who could freely love him, pursue him, and show all these feelings to him.

But if I don’t become Flavia, then I won’t have what I have now. My parents, my siblings, my relatives, my friends. Those whom I love and who love me. And maybe, if I were someone else, I might not even know him. Am I not grateful?Content bel0ngs to Nôvel(D)r/a/ma.Org.

So I think it’s better to hold onto a pebble than to hold onto sand. Because the tighter I grip the pebble, it stays in my hand. While the more I grip the sand, the more it slips away from my hand.

I release one precious thing and hold onto another. Not because I don’t love him, but because I love him too much.

He will find his happiness, and I will find mine. There is no struggle in my love story. I can only offer prayers for him.