Forbidden Desire

It’s incredible how a moment can change everything. Just a few hours ago, I was the happiest man in the world. I was about to propose to the only woman who ever truly loved me, and for the first time in my life, I dared to believe that the phrase “happily ever after” could apply to me. But just one phone call put all of that at risk. When I answered that call, I had no idea it would change my life. If I had known, I wouldn’t have answered it, but now it’s too late. I picked up, and now the woman I love is staring at me in a way she never has before. She always looked at me with so much love, admiration, desire, and now it seems like all that’s left is the hurt I caused by going to the police station to get Jinhee out of there. I know I messed up, but I only went because Jinhee said she’s pregnant, and that was the reason for her fight with Siwoo, because he knows this child isn’t his since, according to her, the only person she had relations with after she stopped taking birth control was me. On that fateful day when we fought, and Jane was disappointed in me for the first time.

All I could think about on the way to the police station was how I would explain it to Jane… I didn’t tell her anything about this supposed baby because I don’t trust Jinhee. She’s lied too many times, and part of me hoped she was lying, that she wasn’t pregnant, or that by some miracle, this baby wasn’t mine. I couldn’t even understand my own thoughts; I always wanted to be a father, and before Jane had a child with Jinhee, it was my greatest dream. But now everything had changed; all my dreams revolved around Jane, and all I wanted was not to have received that call, to have gone with her to the contest, and to have proposed to her as I had been planning.

Now she’s looking at me with her brown eyes after hearing that Jinhee is pregnant, and I’m feeling the same pain I felt when she walked into the room carrying fresh turnovers just to be hurt. It seems like I have some kind of gift for making idiotic choices and an absurd ease in hurting the only person who has been by my side. I was completely devastated, thinking about all the possibilities that frightened me so much. What would she say? What would she do? And mainly, thinking if there’s any way to make her forgive me. She’s put up with so much, forgiven me more times than I can remember, but now everything seems so extreme that I honestly think there’s no way she’ll forgive me.

I tried to find answers or at least some solace in a glass of whisky, but with her staring at me now, I know that the only thing that can save me from myself is her judgment. I hoped that the internal battle she seemed to be fighting within herself would conclude favorably for me, but after her gaze shifted from me to Jinhee several times, she shook her head in denial as she took a step back. When I saw those expressive eyes that could convey everything she felt well up with tears, I felt like a dagger was being thrust into my chest. At that moment, a movie seemed to play in my head, and I just wished I had done everything differently. If I could go back in time and rewind my life as I was doing in my head now, then on the first day I saw that girl with flushed cheeks and her seductive gaze, I would have hugged her and never let go, I would never have pursued Jinhee, I would never have touched her again. If on that day when Jinhee says we made this supposed baby, I knew how much I would love Jane, then I would have divorced Jinhee. I would let her take all my money if she wanted, I would give up this stupid pride of mine that only served to hurt Jane, and now I would be celebrating the fact that she won the contest while putting a ring on her finger. But I didn’t do any of that, and I can’t turn back time, so all that’s left is to face the reality that all my stupid actions might cost me my only chance at real happiness.

“Pregnant?”

Her voice filled the room, and its trembling tone due to the tears stuck in my throat made me close my eyes for a few seconds, feeling all the pain of losing her before even knowing if she would leave me or not.

“With you?”

“She says yes, but I don’t know, love. I hope more than anything that this is some kind of nightmare, scheme, lie…”

I was trying to explain myself, speaking so fast that she just raised her hand, signaling for me to stop talking.

“Is there any chance this is true, Jason?”

That damn day I chose to give Jinhee one more chance passed through my mind again, and I just nodded, lowering my gaze immediately.

“Believe me when I say this isn’t Jason’s fault. As always, I blackmailed him, saying that if he didn’t come to pick me up at the police station, I’d make a scandal in the press.”

Now it was Jane’s turn to close her eyes, as if Jinhee’s voice hurt her, and when she opened them, I realized that whatever struggle she was having within herself had come to an end.

“Jinhee, leave, let me talk to my wife.”

Jinhee seemed surprised by the cold tone of voice I used with her. Jane lowered her head, and when she looked back at me, a smile that didn’t reach her tear-filled eyes appeared on her face.

“You must be happy… A child… With the woman you love…”

Before she could finish the sentence, I interrupted her, getting up and going to her, making her raise a hand to signal me not to come near her as she took a few steps back.

“The woman I love is you, Jane… The only one… No! I’m not happy! I assure you, if I could go back in time…”

“But you can’t, Jason… It’s done…”

“Love…”

I tried to approach her again, but I was surprised by a sharp tone of voice she had never used with me before.

“NO, Jason! Don’t come near me!”

“Love, I swear…”

“You swear what, Jason?”

A sarcastic laugh, full of hurt, crossed her face, and my despair only grew.

“Your promises, vows… None of it means anything to me! You have no word… All of this is happening because you couldn’t be a man and keep your promises from the start… You’re just a kid who doesn’t know what he wants.”

It was all true; she was right, but that didn’t change the fact that hearing this from the woman I loved hurt more than I could imagine.

“Love, I know I messed up…”

“Do you know, Jason? Do you really know? When? When did you mess up? When you slept with Jinhee even after finding out she was deceiving you? For making me feel the greatest pain I’ve ever felt in my life when I walked into that room and saw you two? Or hours ago when you left me alone to go to the contest you promised you’d be on time for, to go after Jinhee?”

“Love…”

Tears were streaming down my face, and I just couldn’t control it; every word she said hit me like a bullet.

“Or now, Jason? Now that you’re still trying to justify yourself when… Now there’s no way… We’ve reached the end of the line… Our end…”Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org

I had my head down, but when I heard her talk about ending our story, I panicked and went to her, even though she tried to push me away.

“No, love… No! Not this end for us…”

I clung to her, but her body simply didn’t react; she was cold, and it felt like I was hugging an empty shell.

“Enough, Jason… I’ve reached my limit…”

“No, love, please don’t say that.”

I tried to kiss her mouth, her face, her neck; I just gave kisses without even knowing exactly what I was doing, trying to make her respond and realize how much I loved her, but she just didn’t respond. It was as if she was numb, and I didn’t know how to deal with that. There had to be a way; she had to forgive me; she had to stay with me.

“Jason, this changes everything between us… Forever… I… I’m leaving your life, and that way you two can be happy.”

“No… Jane, it can’t be… You…”

I grabbed her face in my hands, trying to make her look at me, but she just cried and didn’t look at me.

“Happy? What happiness can I have without you, Jane? My happiness is you! You brought me back to life when you came into this house… You brought color to my life… I-I can’t be without you… You’re my girl, my woman… You’re the woman I want to be with forever!”

“Let her go if she wants to, Jason…”

I didn’t even care that Jinhee was there and what I was about to do would be ridiculous, but when I realized it, I was kneeling, holding onto Jane, begging her not to leave.

“NO! I’M NOT LETTING GO! BECAUSE SHE’S THE WOMAN OF MY LIFE! SHE… ONLY HER…”

I shouted at the top of my lungs to Jinhee and anyone who would listen the only truth that inhabited my heart. When I looked back at Jane, I realized I had caught her attention, and she was looking at me, startled by the way I spoke to Jinhee. Then I looked at her and just poured out my heart.

“It’s only you, Jane… I’m sorry if I was dumb enough to hurt you so many times. You’re absolutely right to think I’m an idiot… To say I wasn’t a man… I agree with everything you said… Except that I don’t know what I want… Because I know, Jane… I know, and it’s you… It’s you I want! You’re right… I’m a kid, but I become a man around you, Jane… You make me want to be better… You make me want to do things I thought I’d never do again.”

I took a breath, and above all, courage, to do what I had wanted to do for a long time, even knowing she would probably refuse.

“Love, none of this went as planned… Believe me when I say this wasn’t how I wanted to do it, but…”

She looked at me confused, and I took the dark blue velvet box from my jacket pocket, which had been there for almost a week.

“For a while now, I’ve been planning the perfect time and place to do this. Jane, when you came into my life, I was completely lost. I existed but didn’t live, didn’t smile, didn’t know the meaning of happiness… But then you came, lighting up and bringing color to my life… Now… The best moments I’ve had are all the ones I spent with you. I was going to do this the right way… I’ve been planning this for weeks. I knew you were going to win this contest, so I prepared a special romantic dinner… Our room is all decorated, all the staff knew, and even your aunt helped me… Everything was supposed to be perfect because you deserve it, love… You deserve a romance like those you only see in movies, and more than anything, I wanted to give you that, but nothing went as planned… Even so, I won’t stop doing this because nothing, not Jinhee, not this baby… Nothing changes the fact that I love you, Jane Oliveira, and it’s with you that I want to spend the rest of my life… You’re the woman of my life, and I know I don’t deserve you, I know I hurt you, but I want to spend the rest of my life making amends. Jane Oliveira… My girl… Will you marry me?”