The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

JAXON

Emotions were underrated.

They could make or mar you.

It was one thing to have control over them and it was another thing to shut them out completely. Our emotions are like windows into our souls. They define us. They make up the essential part of us. And shutting it out only renders us void. Shutting my emotions nulled me completely and I began seeing being emotionless as a form of normalcy.

I could barely differentiate between what was real and what wasn’t.

Of course, there were times when ruthlessness was a necessity. I have had to go through some phases in my life, and looking back now, if I didn’t handle it with the right amount of ruthlessness, I wouldn’t have scaled through that phase. Being dangerous could be necessary at times, but turning off the ability to feel wasn’t a necessity.

It’s a coping mechanism.

From the pain, from the grief, from the anguish, from the torture, from the despair, from the sheer agony.

And the funniest thing about a coping mechanism was that it was bound to crack someday and all the feelings you were trying to guide against would come rushing back onto the surface. All at once. They will leave no breathing space and consume you as a whole, plunging into a world of darkness where you will spiral and spiral and spiral until you lose all the vital parts of yourself.

Losing my parents changed me. A whole lot. It set my life on an entirely different course. Not having my parents around the way I used to was very hard for me, not to mention how I had to step in as a father figure for my younger sister, whose life was just starting then. She was just a teenager and I had to take it upon myself to set her on the right path. It was hard at first, but it became a part of me when I numbed everything I was feeling and used taking care of her as a distraction.

Running the Mafia made me realise I had to do away with one thing. My humanity. I had to throw it out the window, channelling my emotions into making the very best out of my family. It was easier to deal with the pain that way. As time went on, it only lingered as a dull ache, and at some point, I stopped feeling.

Broken. Hollow. Damaged.

I utilised my grief and made it into a weapon. Although I amassed a strong empire, I lost touch with who I was along the line. Letting those emotions back in was very tough because imagine having to walk through a raging fire, with needles sticking into your skin and clogging up your airway. Excruciating. That was the word. Now, imagine that pain doubling up in ten folds.

That was exactly how I had been feeling.

I wanted to run away from it at some point, but I wouldn’t be breaking the cycle if I did. I will be continuing it. Kendra was right. It was high time I grieved even though it was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life, there was a form of liberation I felt which couldn’t amount to any other feeling I have felt in years.

I was much lighter.

Happier and ready to live.

My eyes were darting into space with a light smile playing on my lips as I rocked back and forth on my feet on the patio, gently patting the back of the sleeping baby in my arms. My stomach grumbled loudly and I took that as my cue to get back inside. But the tiny human draped in a white onesie wiggled her body softly and a cute sound exited her lips. I detached her body from my shoulders and glanced down at her, watching her scrunch her mouth cutely.

She looked so surreal. Breathtaking, even. Her beauty made my heart flutter so softly. I have never seen a toddler that was so perfect as she was. Xyra had me wrapped around her fingers and made me wish for a child of my own. With Peach.

I rocked her gently and made my way back into the house, where I was so sure Peach was almost done making dinner. She was hosting Aunt Caroline, alongside Maria and her husband. The thought of encountering her indoors suddenly gave me sweaty palms. I hadn’t spoken to her since the stunt she pulled after I came clean to them about what had been going on with me.

The guards standing at the entrance took a curt bow and held the door open for me, paving the way for me to step in. My eyes landed on Andrew who was on a phone call, gesticulating with his hands as he conversed with the person he was speaking with on the phone. He mumbled some words into the phone when he saw me, hanging up immediately.

“Jaxon,” he called out to me cheerily, approaching me with his arms spread out for a side hug. I grinned, engulfing him in an embrace, careful enough not to squish Xyra between us. I patted his back before letting him go.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he cooed and I handed his daughter over to him. He was thoroughly smitten and he couldn’t even hide it. His eyes shone with happiness as he rocked her gently.

“Baby,” Peach’s soft, alluring voice invaded my thoughts, clearing up the haze I was tossed in, watching Andrew bond with his daughter. I spun around, swinging my head in her direction. She was strolling out of the kitchen with a jar of orange juice in her hand, dressed in a short emerald green dress that did nothing to conceal her flawless legs and an ample amount of cleavage.

Fuck me.

Her hair was tied in a messy bun, eliciting a slight furrowing of my brows. It spiked my nerves but I found myself cooling off after a while when I realised that she had to pack her hair because she had been up and running in the kitchen all day.

My eyes were fixated on her every move. The burning sensation that surged through my veins and the multiple skips of my heartbeat guided my strides as I approached her, gathering her in my arms and planting a soft kiss on her lips.

I pulled away and watched myself being sucked in by the depth of those honey-brown orbs. She looked so ethereal standing there and gazing at me with a soft, blooming smile.

“Hey, Peach.” I grinned like a Cheshire cat. She was going to say something to me but her speech was cut off abruptly. Her eyes lingered behind me, garnering my attention and causing me to spin around. My eyes were anchored on Maria’s elegant frame.

My baby sister looked every inch a queen in the long pink summer dress she was wearing. Her hair was pouring down her shoulders. She had her lips tucked between her teeth as she fiddled endlessly with the hem of her dress.

My eyes lingered on her frame coldly and I saw her throat bob swiftly. I had nothing to say to her. It was bad enough that she was so insensitive to my feelings, and to some extent, I could take that from her. I could have her treat me like shit. Heck, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid but my wife? Having her disrespect my wife? No, that’s where I draw the line.

I won’t and can’t take that from her.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

So, with that thought in mind, I made to walk past her but she stopped me by latching her arm around my elbow, pulling me backwards.

“Let me go, Maria,” I demanded instantaneously, but she was as stubborn as a mule. She wouldn’t budge.

“Jaxon, please. I want to talk with you. Let me speak with you.” She pleaded, her voice drawn to a whisper. I heard Peach and Andrew murmur strings of words under their breath before sauntering right away from our presence, leaving us all alone.

I still wouldn’t spare her a glance.

“Jaxon…” Her voice trailed off and I let out an involuntary shaky breath, which caused her to choke out a sob. I took a step backwards, tucking my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants. I arched a brow at her, demanding she get on with it.

“What could you possibly say, Maria?!” My voice rose a notch and she flinched. I wasn’t even done talking. She did the talking the last time and it was her turn to listen.

“What on earth could you possibly say?”

“I didn’t deserve that from you, Maria! No, I didn’t and I am sure as hell that Peach doesn’t deserve that from you too!” I yelled, screaming at the top of my lungs.

“Answer me!” I bellowed.

She kept quiet, her breath quivering.

“Did you even have a quarter of how hard it was for me to open up to you about what was going on with me? No, you don’t! I was struggling, Maria. So badly and that woman was all I had! She was all I had! She stuck with me through it all!” My eyes were brimming with unshed tears, the words I uttered slicing through my heart with each breath I took.

“You had the nerve!”

“The nerve to look her in the eye and tell her that she is not family. You hurt me, Maria. A whole lot and you were the last person I expected that from__

So, please…just…go!” My voice was reduced to wheezes, tears blurring my entire vision. I couldn’t handle the broken look in her eyes. The look of sheer agony that was engraved in her green orbs mirrored mine. Her tears streamed down her face uncontrollably.

“I don’t have any excuse, Jaxon.” She admitted, her voice quivering and cracking.

“No, I don’t.”

“There was nothing you could have done that warranted my reaction. I was hurt, Jay. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to handle the fact that you have been in pain for over a decade and I couldn’t pick up on it. I mean, I knew their death changed you but I didn’t know it damaged you, Jay. I didn’t.” She sobbed.

“I was more angry at myself for not seeing how badly you were hurting.”

“Did you even know that I hated you at some point in my life?” Her words gave me a mental whiplash and my eyes widened. She chuckled mirthlessly, nodding her head to ascertain her claims.

“Yes, Jaxon. I hated you because I thought you were breathing down my neck. Because you were so controlling and demanding, but looking back at it now, I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for you! No, Jay! I wouldn’t! You sacrificed your humanity so I could have mine!” Her loud, cracking voice echoed in the living room with her eyes fixated on me, bearing raw emotions in them.

“Jaxon, I am sorry for hurting you. I am. I really hope you will forgive me___” I cut her off by gathering her in my arms, engulfing her in an embrace.

I was so tired of being mad at her.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” I consoled her, stroking her hair as she bawled her eyes out in my arms. She pulled away shortly but not completely, giving me the chance to gaze at her. I tucked her hair behind her ear and pressed a long kiss to her forehead.

“I love you, baby sister,” I smirked and she swatted my chest, glaring at me. A breathy laughter flowed through my lips and she wrapped her arms around me, burying her head in my chest.

“I love you too, grumpy pants.” She murmured.

I looked up to see Peach, Andrew and Aunt Caroline hanging just by the dinner table with huge smiles all on their faces.

“Thank you,” I mouthed at them, teary-eyed.

There was no greater love than family. It strengthens you, rejuvenates you, and during the toughest of times? They were always there to weather the storm with you. I was glad I wasn’t doing this alone. I was doing this with my family.