The Soldier Next Door

…Ana POV…

The hurt in my heart is raging.

I have not for one second let go of how angry I am at Ethan. It has consumed every single fiber in me, and it still has not let go. It is still burning out of control. I am growing closer and closer to the edge, and god, when I get there, I am going to crash and burn.

 My emotions are out of sync, and my mind is playing tricks on me. I have surrendered control over the demons inside of me; they still have a firm grip on me. If I don’t find myself between all the darkness soon, then I fear that I am going to be lost.

And lost is what I feel. I will be very honest with myself; I am not as happy as I thought I would be to be married to Ethan. My emotions are mixed. There are moments when I feel guilt and then get those moments where the hints of joy are far greater than regret.

Yes, I feel regret.

What else do I feel… 

I fucking miss the man!

Now that is a problem for me. I cannot get soft… Not now… In fact, not ever. I need to stand firm by my choice that Ethan does not deserve me.

But fuck! It hurts.

Not the hurt because he sent me away, but the hurt that he is gone.

I have sat here and wondered if he has even cried?

If he did, then I am glad that he is feeling the pain.

Look what he did to me!

Did he just send me away to protect me? Or has he ended our marriage out of fear?

I can pretend that I am okay, but I am not. And I am so not okay; if I do not let go of this anger, then I am going to end up in the last place I ever want to be.

I keep telling myself to hand it in there. I need to be strong. Not for Ethan, not for me, but only for the baby. Yes, I need to accept that life is full of shit and that things like this will happen. It does not get better as time passes; you just need to learn how to deal with it.

There will be a time, and god, let us hope that it will only be Ethan, but what I need to remind myself is that somewhere along the line, someone will betray you. And that is more than okay because how else could I learn to be strong if I don’t go through so many different challenges in my life.

Things like this need to happen to make you stronger, yes it is fucked up, and it goddamn hurts, but you need to show yourself that you can be strong and that you can fight anything.

Anything like the way that Ethan fucked up.

Now something that I am not proud of, but yet I am still chuckling at it every now and again, is for punching him. I am sure that Ethan is by now wondering what came over me. He knows that I am as calm as the sea, well, the parts where the waves are not crashing. Now, today, I am the wave that crashes against the rocks. And that he knows now.

Yes, Ethan, that is what you did to me. You turned me into an animal.

But as they say that this is a test, one more experience that I need to go through in order to make myself complete. The fucked up thing is that I had to go through it twice, but then again, the second time, I did not bring it upon myself. This is all on Ethan.

So should I really blame him?

Fuck that, he pushed me away like a toy. There is no excuse for that.

He only did me wrong; he made me experience all the wrong things in life. Well, I cannot feel complete if I do not experience both good and bad things. I can say that after all the shit that he put me through, I can now say that I am standing firmly on my feet.

But god, I wish, and I hate that I am saying this, but I wish he were standing next to me.

I fucking miss him.

I feel that I should just let it go… So what? He chases you away. Just let it go. Yes, perhaps he is not the one for me, but why am I feeling that he is. I feel desperate and broken. Okay, so he disappointed me, but why should I hold onto a grudge. Look what it has got me…

Does he truly know all my demons? Does he know that I still have things lying in my heart that he does not know of> 

How is Ethan going to feel when he finds out? Is he still going to want to be with me? I feel that somehow that he would. So why am I sitting in this room feeling bitter and mad at him?

Because he fucking deserted you, Ana! 

I need to have more respect for myself. I am much more than I am making myself out to be. I am above this. I am above my problems. I am above… well. I just need to believe that. I need to believe in myself. It is time that I do things right.

Forget about Ethan Hunter now. 

But as I put my hand on my heart, yes, what do I feel? Is it still beating?

Hell yeah!

So he broke my heart, but a heart can endure so much more than a shitty asshole husband.

So my husband turned on me, and I am feeling like a scorned wife. Though the question I need to ask myself. Do I just forgive him and fall back to where we left off? Should I accept that he is mine on occasion and that I belonged to him? 

Yes, I belong to Ethan, and I think no matter what I do, I always will. But he does not deserve me! 

I don’t know…

All I know is that I cannot take it anymore. I need to let go of this anger. Fuck, Ana, just cry. Get drunk. Destroy something. But let all the pain and anger go out. I know that if I do not do something, I am going to explode. I am not going to handle my shit, and I will crash and burn.

I cannot let myself break into pieces so small that I cannot be glued back together anymore. I have a choice. I can choose life, choose myself, or pick up this phone and phone someone that I know will be there.

Perhaps one should not give up the good things that are there in your life, even though sometimes it comes with the bad. I need to accept that things are just going to be the way they are supposed to be. All I know is that I need to pick up my head and put a smile on my face.Copyright Nôv/el/Dra/ma.Org.

And decide.

Am I going to let Ethan come fetch me and continue with a toxic relationship, or do I stay here and carry on with a new life? I know that if I go home now that Ethan will still be there waiting for me. He is stubborn like that; that is what I love about him the most. He never gives up until he gets what he wants. That is why he is the best Marine around. 

Ya, I just said that I love him.

And it is the truth that love is still there. It is hiding behind the anger. Yes, I feel like getting revenge on him; I want him to feel what I feel for so many times worse. I am going to take solace in the fact that I know that he is hurting; I just don’t know how much.

Yet, I need to remind myself of why he did sent me away. I should realize that perhaps his life might be in danger. Perhaps he is finding himself in a place he does not want to be at the hands of someone else.

But no matter the situation, I am mad at him; I am damn furious. I feel the pain overtaking every other emotion I need to have in my heart. It is turning it black and eating away, exposing those demons that are lurking in the shadows. 

So, I will say it again… I love Ethan. But sometimes, you need to let go of the things you love the most because they are not good for you. God knows that Ethan and I are not good for each other; we are like hot lava and flowing next to a stream of water. If we step one foot wrong, we destroy each other.

Do I want to be destroyed?

I don’t know…