The Soldier Next Door

They say that the future is a blank sheet of paper, and we are the ones that draw the lines on it, but sometimes our hand is held, and the lines we draw aren’t the lines we wanted.This text is © NôvelDrama/.Org.

That is life, isn’t it? A long series of what-if’s that lead from one moment to the next, time never pausing for you to catch your breath, to make sense of the cards that have been handed to you. And all you can do is play your cards and hope for the best.

Well, I am not a fucking poker player.

But, ya…

Life is also a collection of moments, some good and some bad; they ultimately form the puzzle of your life. There is someone who has stood in the same dark place, that the very same puzzle as you. It’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Sometimes, it’s normal, healthy, and necessary to feel defeated, so you know what it’s like to rise another time.

This, too, shall pass. This situation isn’t your final destination. Where there’s pain, there’s also love. Where there’s sorrow, there’s also hope. Where there’s darkness, there’s always light.

So where is the fucking light?

My fucking light told me to get away from her.

Yes, I wanted to be honest with her about what happened between Emma and me. God knows why I have not told her about this sooner, and now it feels that it is too late for that. When in fact, it is.

I seem to keep on making bad choices when it comes to Ana. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that Ana is a bad choice. I just simply do not think when it comes to her. I get so caught up in the fairytale that we are supposed to be living that I forget to use my common sense.

Now my lack of it, has led her to be hurt. She does not know what I was going to say, but I can almost guarantee that she knows that it was about Emma. She is like that, she just knows me better than I know myself.

And for that I fucking love the woman.

But now she does not want to have anything to do with me.

I have messed up…yet again.

And as I stand here and let the tears well up in my eyes, I remind myself that it is okay to cry. It is okay to let the tears carry your emotions out of your system. Let darkness blot them out. 

Yes, I am standing here with a heart that is broken, yet it does not mean that I am broken. The crack is there to let the light in to take away the darkness.

But who is taking Ana’s darkness away? I should be there; she should be here with me now. I can simply not accept that she is going to walk away; she will not disappear out of my life again. I will spare nothing to find my way back to her again.

Nothing!

I will be back in the arms of the woman that I love.

So this has turned out to be the worst day of my life. If it were not for Gibbs here, I would have gone off my fucking mind a long time ago. That is what makes me love this man so much; he will sacrifice anything in an instant. I am truly starting to think that I am a man that draws a string of bad luck.

But putting that aside, I only but smile at Gibbs as I nod, “Will you grab me a whiskey.”

He only but bursts out in laughter, “You are just being goddamn lazy. Try to do it yourself.”

Well, much to my own amusement, which is truly not the right attitude to have at present, I finally swing my ass off the chair, and in no time at all, I am back in my seat with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in hand.

Gibbs only but smirks, “Told you that you could.”

Yes, I know what he is doing; he is trying to get me to keep on moving and not sit and waste away in my own misery.

So with a hint of frustration, I wave him off, “You are just grinding my ass because you know I do not have the strength to fucking knock you out.”

As he takes the bottle from me and pours a shot in one of the chilled glasses, I fall back in my chair and close my eyes. Being in this dreadful club situation is torture beyond compare. Every moment that the clock ticks away is one more second that Ana is torn away. My heart feels like it is ripped right open as the thoughts of this whole horrible situation keep slicing every bit of me open.

It is slicing at my heart and ripping me open.

And god! It fucking hurts.

When did I start to feel? When did I get to know what real pain is like?

This is unbearable.

Even this chair has become unbearable to sit in, so I rise from my seat and start pacing the length of the floor. My mind does not stop running in circles. It is a mind that cannot bear not knowing what is going on. It is near damn insufferable with only but questions looming over my head.

Every wink I take, I am reminded that there is nothing I can do.

Fucking nothing!

I must sit here in silent agony and wait. It is killing me slowly. What am I going to do? I know that I am supposed to be strong, but I am so tired of having to be strong. It seems that my life is riddled with tormented pain. I really do not know how much more of this I can take.

Everything in me wants to crumble, but then I think, I am a fucking Marine; we do not falter. We remain strong above everything that is thrown in our path. But as soon as I close my eyes, in an instant, the tears threaten to flood down my cheeks.

My heart feels like it is dying a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves until there is going to be nothing left.

No hope.

Nothing fucking remains.

Nothing.

I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.

Ya, well, that is bullshit. I knew exactly where I was going when I took that goddamn woman into that tent.

Fuck!

I can be so goddamn stupid sometimes.

So yes, now I have to pay the price. With each ticking second, my heart grows even more fearful; I fear that maybe all the seconds are up. That my time is up, I will never see Ana again. I know that I should have faith, but how can you have faith if the person that you have faith in is the very person that is not here. 

But who is here is Ray, and he is hurriedly making his way over to me; my heart instantly freezes over from fear. The very same fear that I see in his eyes as he comes to stand in front of me.

I can barely utter a word, “What is wrong?”

And as he wants to speak, the tears are drowning his deep brown eyes, so after giving him an inpatient few minutes, he stutters as he speaks, “It is Ana.”

A thousand daggers are driven through my heart as one single name takes over my existence, “Ana? What?” I shake him as he cannot get the words out, “What the fuck is wrong? Where is Ana?”

He mumbles for a few moments, then finally, he gets a hold just long enough to utter the words that will haunt me, “Ana was in an accident.”

I drop the whiskey glass to the floor, and the contents crash all over my feet. There is an incredible sting that shoots to every corner of my body. My legs start to give in underneath me, but Gibbs is there to catch me. I grab onto my chest; the air has grown thick, it feels as if I cannot breathe. The room has grown so small, and all I can hear is my screams that travel down the corridors.

As Gibbs helps me to sit down, “Where the fuck is Ana?”

Ray that can barely speak, comes to stand next to me, “I don’t know. I was on my way there now, but I realized that you were not at home.”

There is a fit of deep anger that starts boiling from deep in my core, and I immediately snap, “What do you fucking know? What can you tell me?”

My world crashes down like a meteorite that hits the surface with full force, splitting my heart right open.