Ex-Husband's Regret

Rowan.

My eyes snap open. Rays of light hitting me square in the face. I groan in pain. My head was pounding as if there was someone using it as a F***ing drum.

It takes a while to register that I am in my room, in Gabe’s house. It’s something we both did. He has a room at my house, and I have one in his.

Groaning, I stand up and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and step under it. Using my hands for support, I lean against the wall and try to put my jumbled thoughts in order. I don’t remember much of last night except drinking.

Fuck! How the hell did I get here? How is it possible that I fell in love with Ava and didn’t realize it sooner? 

The moment the realization hit me, I went straight to the club. I rarely get drunk. I promised myself not to ever get butt drunk after Noah was born. Normally, I just take a class or two, and that’s enough. Yesterday, though, I needed it. I needed it badly.

There is no remedy for what I was feeling. No F***ing cure. How do you even begin to deal with the realization that you love the woman that you hated? The same woman you spent nine F***ing years hurting?

I sigh and get out of the bathroom. Feeling like I have aged at least thirty years. I haven’t been this out of sorts in years.

After getting dressed, I head downstairs. I find Gabe having breakfast.

“Where is June?” I ask, referring to his housekeeper.

“She’s made us breakfast and left. She said that she wanted an early start to the market so she could get fresh veggies.”

June had a thing against buying from grocery stores. For some reason, she believed that they weren’t as fresh or organic as they wanted us to believe. She buys all vegetables, fruits, meat, eggs, and milk from the local market, which is owned by a bunch of farmers.

“How are you feeling?” Gabe asks as I pour myself some coffee.

“Like I’ve been hit by a truck.” 

When I realized that I loved Ava, part of me wanted to rush back to her house and tell her immediately. I would have if my rational side hadn’t won. It was too soon to tell her. She wouldn’t have believed me at all.

I’ve never been scared, but with this new awareness, I was F***ing terrified. Is this how she used to feel? Loving me but also knowing that I hate her?

About yesterday,” Gabe begins, “I thought you swore never to get drunk ever again.” 

“I know, but I needed it. I needed to numb the pain. You can’t understand how difficult it was to realize that I love Ava. That all this time I’ve caused her nothing but pain. It was suffocating me to know that I may have lost my chance with her all because I couldn’t let go of my bitterness” 

I pretend I don’t notice it every time I show up to pick Noah up, and she frowns at me in disapproval. Or when, at times, she looks at me with nothing but hate and resentment.

I ignore it, trying to let it not affect me because I crave her. I follow her around like a damn lost puppy, begging for any scraps of affection she’ll give me. Even if it’s bitterness, I take it because it’s the only way to be near her.

I never thought of what she went through at my hands. What she is dishing out is nothing compared to what I did to her. Yet it still F***ing hurts. How the hell did she survive me for those nine F***ing years?

She wants nothing to do with me. Wants me to be completely out of her life for good. I want to give her that because she deserves better, but I can’t let her go no matter how I F***ing try.

“How did that happen? The last time I checked asks me, looking puzzled. were sure you were in love with Emma.” Gabe

“Yes, but weren’t you the one that insisted that I had suppressed feelings for Ava?”

I remember how adamant he was about that. He wouldn’t let it go, even after I told him countless times that I wasn’t in love with Ava. I guess he just knows me better than I know myself. He saw something I didn’t want to recognize.

“My gut was telling me you loved Ava, but your insistence at times made me doubt that maybe I was wrong.”

I sigh. “You were F***ing right. My only wish is that I had relegalized this sooner. Maybe then it would have been easier to mend what I broke”

I stare off into space. Lost in the bitter memories. Memories where I had her, but instead of cherishing her I ruined her. I broke her. My actions and words chipped at her heart slowly by slowly until there was nothing left.This content belongs to Nô/velDra/ma.Org .

I honestly don’t wish to be in your shoes” Gabe whistles and I glare at him. “But you still haven’t  answered me. I want to know when it happened. When did you fall for her?” 

“I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint the exact time. Maybe it happened when we were still married, or  maybe it’s a recent thing. All I know is that I love her now.”

I run my hand through my hair. I was frustrated and F***ing scared. What a lousy time to realize you love someone!

“I think it was always there. Probably came after Noah was born. I also think you didn’t allow yourself to love her because you held on to the memory of Emma. She was your first love, so you assumed she was your true love. You can’t live with someone for nine years and not feel a thing for them. I know you, Ro. You wouldn’t even have touched her if you didn’t feel something for her.”

“Sex is a biological process. I just got what I needed from her while still hating her. I am ashamed to say there were times I imagined she was Emma.” I tell him, feeling sick to the core at how I treated her. 

“Really? Did you imagine you were F***ing Emma because you missed her or because you needed something to hold you back? Something that would guard you from enjoying the intimacy between you and Ava because you felt that enjoying S** with her would be a betrayal to the memories of Emma that you held on to for dear life?” 

I sit on the stool completely dumbfound

I thought about it like that. I admit I was attracted to her; otherwise, how would I explain how the hell I was able to get it up and going?

Maybe Gabe was right, and I used Emma as an escape from what I truly felt for Ava.

In my head, I had already betrayed the love of my life once; how then could I betray her over and

over again by sleeping with and enjoying Ava’s b*dy? It all made sense in my head then, but now

I’m starting to realize that Emma was never the love of my F***ing life.

“Fuck. I messed up big time,” I holler, feeling like a crashing weight was on my shoulders.

“Do you love Emma?” he asks and I shake my head in a no.

“Are you sure? Is all the love you had for her completely gone?” i think about it for a minute before answering.

“Tes When she first came back, I thought that it would be our second chance at love. It took a while to realize that it felt all kinds of wrong. I didn’t even allow her to k*ss me for F***s sake

That should have been my first clue that I was done with her. That and the jealousy I felt towards Ethan”

I can’t begin to explain the rage I felt every time imagined Ava and Ethan together. It was all consuming and volatile.

I guess it took losing her to make you realize what you felt for her. It took seeing her happy with another man to bring forth the love you suppressed. You held on to Emma because of the way things ended abruptly between the two of you. None of you got any closure. That’s why you held on to each other’s memories for so long”

I get what he is saying, and F*** does it make sense, but it doesn’t help my case. So much damage has already been done. I said words I could never take back. Did things that will forever be imprinted on her mind. I destroyed her with my own two hands.

“What are you going to do?” he asks me after a while.

“I don’t know. I was blinded by Emma before, but not anymore. Ava is F***ing beautiful, and she can get any man she wants. There are already some who are sniffing around her, as Noah clearly likes informing me. 

I feel so dejected. What is to stop her from falling in love with someone else?

She was not only beautiful but also intellige and she loves fiercely. Any man would be luck, aring, kind, and loving. She has a heart of gold, have her.

I mean, F***, she was able to change Ethan. I saw it in his eyes. He had fallen for her. Any woman who is capable of making a man change his ways is a F***ing saint. I was a F***ing idiot for not realizing the treasure I had.

Gabe claps me on the shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’m positive of that”

I wish I was as confident in myself as he was in me, because deep down I know I don’t deserve her, and my biggest fear is losing her to someone who does deserve her love.